I've been put in a position where memories are what I am going to have to go on now. After 10.5 years I am experiencing the severance of my very soul. My other half and I are divorcing. I can't pretend this isn't mutual and as angry as I am I can't put all blame on him. Although I so badly want to. We both made mistakes. Many of them. And I wish it was different, oh so very different. He is an amazing father. Our children are incredibly lucky. We are best friends and will make great parents together in our new roles to each other.
This is my new journey. My new path. And I am in Cincinnati awaiting surgery. My breathing sucks. I had clinic yesterday. While it wasn't bad news, per se, it was news I wasn't hoping to receive. I am at an impasse for the time being. There is likely some collapse at my subglottic level (below my vocal chords-where my issues originated as a baby). This will be confirmed during surgery tomorrow. We are at the point now that even if that is the case there might not be much we can do to treat it because the more work that is done subglottic the more the supraglottic (above the vocal chords) becomes unstable. There isn't much room for improvement above the vocal chords or too many treatment options given the small space and that being the area where voice originates. So, it has come to the point where we need to decide where a good quality of life is versus attempting to give me back my old normal. I miss my old normal. It's incredibly difficult to try to forget when things were so much better, when things were ok. When I felt happy. I don't get a say in getting my old normal back or not. I just need to learn how to accept the new normal; change. Surgery starts at 2:00 and shouldn't last long. They will take a look and see if there is something that can be repaired. I will also, again, be getting injections into my vocal chords. The idea behind this is to bulk up my vocal chords since they are stuck open. To create voice the tissue needs to be able to open and close and as the last injection has worn off it has been getting harder to maintain my voice. They are hoping that by bulking the chords up again they will make it easier for them to close and therefore I won't have to try so hard to get them to work. This should help (hopefully) to alleviate the daily pain. However, the recovery after this last time sucked, to be frank. I couldn't breathe well, I whistled when I exhaled and as a result I panicked. Two months of anxiety feeling like I was suffocating. I'm hoping this one will be easier. Should this work and give good results then we will move to the next step of injecting fat into my vocal chords and that should last around two years. I'm hoping he will let me pick where the fat is harvested from, I have a stubborn love handle that could use some help.
I struggle with vulnerability and putting together coherent paragraphs with all that is running through my mind. I think way too much. Please forgive my inconsistent postings and the rambling content of those I do post. I hope to use this as an outlet for the next coming journey in my life, Lord knows I need a safe expression of my grieving soul.